Things I Assume My Sister Did: The Highlight Years / by Michael Epstein

1. Emily likes singing in the bathroom, but she generally prefers to do her Taylor Swift impressions in the peace and quiet of her own lavatory, not in the unisex bathroom of a newly renovated theatre-district cabaret club.

"I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake" she crooned, trying to catch the gaze of a middle-aged woman as she moved from a stall to the sink. "Shake it off! Shake it off!"

After the show she would tell Gerald, her accompanist, she thought they did a great job that night. She also complained that they should have told her she would need to help carry the piano back to the stage because she "could have worn flats."

She did not get a call back.

2. New York is the only state in which you can't get drunk at a Target. Visiting a friend in Philly recently, Emily finally got her chance and it she was quite taken with it. She realized getting sauced while picking out cotton sheets and kitchenware might be the perfect stress release after getting yelled at by customers at her day job. Unfortunately, she couldn't actually buy any of her favorite things, so she settled for a tiny pink hat.

Somehow, nobody noticed the girl in the leather jacket with the comically large noggin stumble through an empty checkout lane and out the sliding doors into the night.

3. Emily has lost three iPhones in the past year. Two of them fell out of her purse during overzealous re-tellings of the time an eagle stole her hot dog at Coney Island.





Things I Assume My Sister Did is a micro-fiction series in the style of I Call This Look or that Gawker thing I read one time... Except they're all about a real person, a singer/actress named Emily.